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Vintage Nothingsville: Bond Blurbs

In its original incarnation, Nothingsville included short reviews of James Bond movies, in chronological order, up until Timothy Dalton stepped in and I lost interest (oops). A friend has requested access to them, so here's a compiled list:

Dr. No


James jets off to Jamaica to investigate the disappearance of a fellow agent and comes up against a mad scientist-type, Dr. No. Best part: Dr. No himself. He's such a cutie, and his hands are crazy! Worst part: long scenes in which James hangs out by himself, drinking a martini. James Bond plays solitaire?

From Russia with Love


Evil group S.P.E.C.T.R.E., headed by Ominous Bad Guy, plays Russia and England against each other to get some decoder thingie. Best part: Ominous Bad Guy feeds his cat a dead siamese fighting fish. It's supposed to be sinister, but it's just so funny. Worst part: the helicopter trying to run over james in a field scene was a bit excessive, but overall a good Bond flick.



Bond basically is assigned to see what the shady Goldfinger is up to and it turns personal when G kills his latest shag-ee by painting her gold. But soon Bond realizes that she had sister, and all is well. Best part: Goldfinger's plan to make all the gold in Fort Knox worthless was pretty cool, with bonus points for imagination. Worst part: I'm getting pretty tired of Moneypenny's attempts at getting James to ask her out. I mean, how lame do you have to be to not be able to get James in bed?



James Heads to the Bahamas to check out "Number 2." Many scuba-related things pursue. Best part: speargun fights are pretty funny. Also bond's scuba outfit was excellent. Hehe. Worst part: scuba fights are just confusing. Everything's kind of slow and bubbly. I fell asleep during this one, I'll admit.

You Only Live Twice


James Heads to Japan to check out some bad guy who's stolen a spacecraft. James fakes his own death, gets down with the Asian culture and takes a bath with his buddy Tiger. That was weird. This movies was excellent, it just kept getting better. First there was Little Nellie, then pirahnas, then ninjas. Best part: two words: Little Nellie. Worst part: it's just sad to watch ninjas get shot.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service


George Lazenby in his only appearance as Bond (thankfully). Bond actually dates a girl. Then he tracks Blofeld to his secret mountain-top science lab where he's pretending to treat chicks for allergies while really brainwashing them. He blows it up, meets up with his girlfriend, lets her drive, and then marries her. Then she bites the dust and Bond acts all sappy. This one was pretty bad. Best part: Bond's "disguise" as he infiltrates the lab is so laughable I enjoyed it thoroughly. Seriously, he puts on a hat and carries a pipe and thinks Blofeld won't recognize his own nemesis? Wort part: George Lazenby is totally forgettable. At least, i'm hoping so.

Diamonds are Forever


After killing his nemesis Blofeld, Bond poses as a diamond smuggler and discovers an intense world domination plan involving diamonds and nuclear missiles. This plan is the work of blofeld, who turns out to be alive and very tricky. Best part: the cat has a diamond collar! Also, the chase scene through Vegas is pretty cool. Worst part: bond's girlfriend, Tiffany Case, is absolutely annoying. Even bond calls her a stupid twit.

Live and Let Die


Roger Moore steps in as bond, who heads to the island of San Monique to figure out why all his peeps are being killed. He hooks up with a psychic Jane Seymour, takes away her, uh, pyschicness, and defeats all sorts of badass voodoo dudes. This has always been a favorite of mine because of its voodoo theme, its portrayal of Louisiana police, and BARON SAMEDI, my favorite character in the Bond game. Best part: Baron Samedi has awesome facepaint, costumes, and a flute/walkie-talkie. Worst part: the speedboat race- good in theory, long in time.

The Man With the Golden Gun


This is Drew's favorite bond movie, for those Drew-stalkers out there. Bond gets dissed by M, who takes him off his energy crisis case because the infamous dude with the golden gun has it out for him. Bond says, hey, this is personal, so he goes looking for this man with gun, named SCARAMANGA (good villain name!). His only known trait is his 3rd nipple. I saw it myself. Best part: Bond's reunion with the Louisiana sheriff (in Bangkok- what was he doing there??) brought a tear to my eye. Well, no. Worst part: Knick-knack was kind of creepy, but he did have a little miniature sized kitchen, which was cool.

The Spy Who Loved Me


We watched this at Kristin's house over Spring Break, but this time i am appreciating it much more. It's a pretty good Bond flick, I must say. I mean, Jaws' first appearance! What a classic! (I can't wait for Jaws in space!) Bond vies for some microfilm with a Russian chick, and then they team up and wackiness ensues. Also a mad marine biologist as the villain! Best part: Wet Nellie-- it's no Little Nellie, but i wouldn't mind cruising underwater. Worst part: the chick is supposed to be just as sneaky as james, but totally isn't. He's always saving her ass and that pisses me off.



Crazy millionaire (was there ever a sane millionaire in Bond?) Drax plans to wipe out the human race, save a few specimens who'll live in his space ark (or as he calls it- "the untainted cradle of the heavens"). Also, Jaws is back, with a vengeance, and a girlfriend. They all go to space and lots of slow-motion "anti-gravity" scenes happen. Best part: jaws opens a champagne bottle with his teeth. Worst part: there's a huge snake. and that's just creepy.

For Your Eyes Only


When a dangerous tracking system is lost in a mysterious shipwreck, Bond is on the job with some backup from a revenge-seeking greek chick names Mileena (like in Mortal Kombat! Except without the fans. Or knives. I get them confused.) Best part: features a killer ski-chase, though that's pretty well-worn territory. Also, chicks with cross-bows are cool. Worst part: I miss Jaws. I miss him so much, that i am writing this haiku for him. I call it, "Ode to Jaws":

i miss you so jaws

when you would bite through thick metal

it was really cool



Bond's investigation of a forged Faberge egg takes him to india, where he falls in with an all-girl gang and circus freaks. Best part: Bond's friend BJ. He's the best. Worst part: the old dude with the saw on a string who kills BJ senselessly.

A View To A Kill


Investigating microchips and racehorses (naturally!), Bond ends up in San Francisco facing off with a nutty Christopher Walken as a genetic experiment and Grace Jones in all her glory as Mayday. those two want to trigger an earthquake to sabotage Silicon Valley, and they would've gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for that meddling Bond. Oh yeah, and he gets laid. Over all pretty good flick. best part: Mayday's costumes. she believes that her clothes should connect to her head, bless her heart. And check out her hair, too. Worst part: it's a tie between the weird segue into "California Girls" during a ski chase (which is a pretty old scenario, Mr. Fleming) and the in-your-face Sharper Image plug. I thought Q made those gadgets, but apparently he buys them at the Galleria.

That's all, folks! It's been over a decade, but I supposed if enough people requested I could try to continue the series :)

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